Practical Evolution of Consciousness

About myself

From my childhood i wondered why I am I and you are you and you are not I and I am not you? Could it happen so that I were be born by your mother and you were born by my mother? Would I be born if another spermatozoon which was running beside impregnated my mother’s ovul? How does an individuality appaer in general, is it given from birth or is formed in childhood? Is it possible to transfer my “I” in another body? Where there was my “I” before it appeared in this world,  does my “I” existed at all before I was born?

All these questions began to appear after terrible suffering at the age of 5-6 years  connected with the beginning of self-consieceness and with the understanding that if I was born I must die. Certainly I did not like it. At the school time my purpose was already precisely formulated, it was not to die. How to approach this task at that time wasn’t clearly at all. I didn’t meet anything similar anywhere. On the contrary, at those after-war years when all films were mainly about the war and about how the people sacrifised themselves for the sake of a victory, those films caused the inward conflict in my young consciousness. I couldn’t see what the people fought for, why they went to death voluntary and how they could at all kill each other? And what was most unclear - why was it all welcome?

Is it really difficult for all to surrender and to remain alive? But as my young consciousness couldn’t be opposed to the public opinion, I thoughtI didn’t catch up wth the rest, I condemned myself for weakness and for inability to die for my country. But intuitively I clearly felt  at the same time that if all men had this knowledge, nobody would begin fighting and there would be no wars on the planet.

As I was a young man when the basic vital motivations were dictated by physiology I honestly told myself that for a certain period I put my basic purpose to the second place. Like all males I began to search for myself for second half.

But most interesting was that thing I  gained experience and personal force by moving within this way of life, not betraying myself, putting tasks of preparatory character, overcoming difficulties.

In general, though it’s strange enough the preparatory works took almost all time in my life. I liked putting much effort, in order to put, figuratively speaking, a huge stone on an equilibrium edge, and then with a single finger push it to a new place.

Later I structured my childhood experiences of formlessness.

It would be possible to tell that ithis is the final truth. The sensation of merging with infinity by each cell of the body. Ther wasn’t fear of death. In this state of unity of everything with everything the fear arose after leaving this state. And not only fear of death but also of life. It was even hardly possible to name this experience the fear. It’s something different, for the description of which there are no words  in our dictionary stock. Realizing yourself a grain in the infinity. I caused these experiences by switching off myself from this world by some obscure way, throwing back all human attachments and shifting the attention in the direction of the Infinity. The world became transparent and shockingly clear. Simple up to the stupor. The transparency disappeared after switching on emotion – the reaction on the experienced. The emotional enterference was obviously traced. By the way, it is possible to say that this site is an attempt to simplify the description of the world, developed by us during own life.

Already at that time I began to exist in two worlds, in the world interesting, cheerful, stable, but false, as I had realized at once and the world frightening, but true, in which I could bear staying no more than several seconds. this world is felt as false not by itself but only after staying in that true world.

It’s possible to tell about understanding of that world most precisely - awareness of infinity and at the same time feeling of falling down in the abyss of infinity. It is possible still to add that this awereness and falling down gave such stress to my body from which my hair stood on end, I wanted to beat my head against a wall and moan because of hopelessness. Because of hopelessness when with each part of your body you understand that there isn’t a foot-hold in the world of infinity and there cannot be any. There is no foot-hold not only within me, but also our planet, the Sun, the Galaxy and in general all the universe have no foot-hold. There doesn’t exist such wall to which you may come and lean against to calm down. Here even your own immortality won’t be of help since there is understanding that basically there cannot be any immortality. Life and death becameequal to me in their hopelessness. How to live further?

The most interesting thing about these experiences was that after leaving that world and having gone through the ordinary shock, I could come back to the usual businesses at once and I remembered only logically those experiences. These two worlds were not connected in any way with each other. In that world I was nothing, a mote in the universe, and in this I’m already something. In that world there is nothing to grasp at, no foot-hold. In this world I steadily stand on ground and there is many things from which I can make a start and than to be engaged in. Basically it was impossible express by the words of this world that world sensations though I realized this world only particular case of that infinite world. For some time I tried to find among the adults those who would understand me but soon gave up this idea seeing as orninary their life and their acts do not correspond such knowledge.

In connection with this there were no practically the childhood experiences injuring the personality. On the background of the basic injuring experience - awereness of my own microscopic existence in the huge world, where there is no foot-hold, all rest lost any importance.

The matter is that in any difficult and desperate situation I intuitively drew knowledge of the true world, and at once there was a rearrangement of priorities and I could easily forgive my offenders. Judging by myself, that I would have never treated other person like this, I came to conclusion he knew nothing about the true world in which lived and would die and not having learned(found out). As a result of such thinking I was indulgent to him and didn’t take the offence. I could manage even to pity him.

Of course, the self-assertion at the stage of becoming a personality worked the same way as for all the teenagers of my age, with a single difference that I always had some sobriety on a background and if I got in any situation I always found a right way out.

The knowledge of that other world always gave me an ability to not be fixed on details in any desperate situations and not to be stuck emotionally. It enabled me to build my life strategically, always knowing that I and all our planet are only motes in this infinite universe and hence, nothing matters. In connection with this knowledge everything I did in this world I did strategically of high reliability, with the large safety factor I built my house, formed the relationships, created the theories, changed inward spaces.

Gradually I began to realize it’s better to know nothing about that world to work effectively in this world. But at the same time I could not afford deceive myself like this forgetting at all about that inicial in its reality world. One thing was necessary that was to make my spontaneous experiences of infinity controlled. It took more than twenty years. To bear the pressure of infinity appeared not absolutely unsafe both for my state of mind and for my body. But I essentially couldn’t betray my knowledge and plunge into the life and concerns of an average man.

To face the infinity and to stay in it required some obscure strength on my part without which I could simply burn down in awereness. It was necessary to do something. The term of own existence given me by the  nature was very short, and there was no assurance that it would be enough for me even to prolong this very term. I reasoned logically if clearness of perception, sobriety and honesty within myself are the most important qualities for me, why is then this clearness of perception is unbearably painful? It means thers lack of some strength. So I put as the next task to understand this strength and to become aware how to find it. Though the word “painful” is still from this world and expresses very approximately the sensation which I try to name by it.

To destroy ego appeared for me not at all so difficult. And how would I develope the sensation of sef-importance if I accumulated from time to time the feeling of my own insignificance. Even the awareness that nobody in the surrounding environment has similar knowledge didn’t allow me to be proud of it for two reasons. First, it all the same as to be proud and assert yourself because of the knowing that, for example, I am mortally ill and I would die tomorrow. Secondly, I had this knowledge in the state of clearness. After leaving this satate tin a moment I had no knowledge any more and abruptly became an ordinary man. There was only memory of existence of some knowledge. The month which was spent in complete sensory isolation allowed to throw off the last indications of self-importance. Certainly, the preparatory works for launching this final step I made all my previous life. In that time I was 33. This step gave me an opportunity to continue my life on the ernergy level.

I already understood that to bear the pressure of infinity I need more strength. I noticed that the more I understood this world, the longer I could stay in that another world and explore it.

This state in which the activity of the mind and emotions are switched off and there is a feeling as if I have jumped out of a membrane (outer form) which is constantly creating a background hindrance. And I needed not only to calm down within my thinking and emotional activity but completely to switch off this mechanism. At the same time I understood the energy for staying in the world of high clearness can be stored only  in this world at least at that moment. But for this purpose it is necessary to put in the order my habitual world. I got a strange but full picture. The energy for staying in that world needs to be stored in this world and, on the contrary, for effective staying in this world I needed the sobriety received in that world. The circle had closed.

In process of putting in order this world all it was more easy for me to stay in that world. Staying in the world where it is impossible to find a foot-hold required inormous potential of personal strength.

And if in childhood I got into the world of infinity only at night when tumolt of the day time calmed down, now I could already get there at any time. This allowed me to begin perceiving and exploring the world as the flows of energy. But to write anything about it is essentially impossible.

This site is my pass to that other real world, where all of us came from, the world of pure energy.

P.S. Naturally, I am not the only who can perceive the infinity. Many people can remember similar childish experiences. In many religious and philosophical books there are similar experience descriptions. Enter in the internet search two words - awareness of infinity, and you’ll get a lot of the references where people describe personal experience and how they were shocked with such experience. There are even sites where this ability is explained on the level of physiology of a brain. It’s strange there are few authors who began to build their life using their experience of infinity. In fact everyone describes his shock and no more than that.